Tuesday, August 6, 2013

August 1st, 2013

This year has been a rough year.  The neglect my blog has received reflects that.  There have been ups and downs all year. Last Thursday, August 1st everything just stopped.  My mind raced, my heart broke, and now everything looks different.  I'm trying to keep busy to not think, but then I think because I don't want to forget.  Anyway, how can you not think?  You're forced to.  You are forced to make quick decisions when you are still trying to grasp the situation that was handed to you. 

Sigh.

Sometimes it feels so real.  So real that you can't eat because you know you will throw up.  That lump in your throat makes it hard to swallow.  You understand what broken heart means because literally you feel pain in your heart.  Not metaphorically speaking but your heart literally feels broke.  Sometimes it doesn't seem real.  You feel like it all happened to fast to be real.  I mean you were woken from your sleep and told this awful thing.  Surely you are still dreaming.  But...that feeling, that broken heart feeling reminds you that it is all to real.

My grandma died.

Sigh.

How do you even type that, you know?  How do you say that?  I see the words on the screen but they are so ugly. It even looks like a lie.  In my heart it's not even true.  I just want to be still laying there in bed and to have never been woken up to such awful news.

How do I fix this?  I feel like even though I am the living, I have unfinished business.  I seen her the night before and she was good.  She had plans.  She had plans for me to bring her things, plans for the next day.  For years I did that.  Now I can't finish that task.  I feel like I need to and I can't.  She blew and caught kisses that night.  She laughed, told us she loved us.  She had no idea.  I had no idea that would be the last time I would hear her voice, see her eyes filled with life, see her smile.  I keep trying to grasp onto those last things I seen because I am so afraid of forgetting them.  I feel like I try so hard that it is all becoming jumbled. 

I wonder if when she put her call light on that morning was she scared, if she knew then what was happeneing, if she wondered where her family was, if she wanted to say goodbye, if she felt alone?  The story of how she died, the whole scenario, keeps playing over and over like a rerun you don't want to watch but keep watching anyway.

She was a part of my everyday routine.  I took care of her.  I had a schedule.  Now I don't even know how to go about my day.  For one second I feel like I have some sort of peace and the next second my heart breaks more.

Sigh.

I beg for a sign that she is okay.  A sign that she knew how much I loved her.  For forgiveness of being selfish and complaining too much, I was definitely guilty of that at times and now I feel heartbroken.  I know I had a right to feel the way I did in certain circumstances, but now those things seems so silly.  If I only knew.  And I didn't.  None of us do.

Please hold your loved ones tight.  Because so quickly, without a chance to even comprehend, so unexpected, even when we think we may be better or are doing better, it can all end just like that.  Gone.  The world is so different.  No going back.

Love.  Family.  Friends.  People.  Hold it all tight.  Because it is all so fragile.



6 comments:

  1. ((Heather))
    I'm so sorry for your loss. There really aren't the "right" words. Please don't feel that you were selfish. You were a caregiver and that alone proves that you were not selfish.

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  2. oh heather i'm sorry i didn't see this until today - i am so sorry. i love that you loved her so much, that you were such a big part of each other's lives. i also believe Libelulla is correct - the very way you two lived and loved together is proof that you were not selfish, and i believe shows that she knew exactly how much you love her.

    i wish i could give you hugs! hugs from texas!!!

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  3. oh heather, i'm so sorry i didn't see this until now! i am so sorry for your loss! i love how you and your grandmother were such a huge part of each other's lives - my grandmother faded away slowly from dementia and i still mourn that loss of her before she was really gone. i also believe LJ above is correct - your love for her showed through everything you did with and for her, and i'm sure she knew it and loved you right back!

    {{{{HUGS!!!!!}}}}

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  4. Thank you Libellula Jewelry and Julie Beth♥ I appeciate the comments and the sweet words. It is nice to have support. Julie, I am sorry for your loss too. Dementia is such an awful thing. I haven't had to deal with that persoanlly, but I know so many who have. it is very sad and difficult :( Hugs right back at you! xoxo

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  5. heather, my grandmother died in 2003, but man, i don't think i ever really mourned properly, and so i still get flashes of sadness. i so wish she could have met my husband, my little boy! cherish the time you had with your grandmother, and no matter what, know that you guys loved each other, and she knew it and you know it. what an awesome granddaughter (and she got to meet her GREAT-granddaughter, that is SO AWESOME!!! :)

    also, sorry i posted twice - i thought my first post got eaten by the internet so i tried to recreate it. oh well, now you know i really really mean it. :)

    ((hugs))

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  6. Thanks Julie! ♥!!! I definitely am thankful for all of our time together and so happy that Zoë and her met. It is those things that help me keep it together right now.
    Thank you so much for your sweet comments. Peoples caring thoughts mean so much to me♥ Sending lots of love your way♥

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