This year has been a rough year. The neglect my blog has received reflects that. There have been ups and downs all year. Last Thursday, August 1st everything just stopped. My mind raced, my heart broke, and now everything looks different. I'm trying to keep busy to not think, but then I think because I don't want to forget. Anyway, how can you not think? You're forced to. You are forced to make quick decisions when you are still trying to grasp the situation that was handed to you.
Sometimes it feels so real. So real that you can't eat because you know you will throw up. That lump in your throat makes it hard to swallow. You understand what broken heart means because literally you feel pain in your heart. Not metaphorically speaking but your heart literally feels broke. Sometimes it doesn't seem real. You feel like it all happened to fast to be real. I mean you were woken from your sleep and told this awful thing. Surely you are still dreaming. But...that feeling, that broken heart feeling reminds you that it is all to real.
My grandma died.
How do you even type that, you know? How do you say that? I see the words on the screen but they are so ugly. It even looks like a lie. In my heart it's not even true. I just want to be still laying there in bed and to have never been woken up to such awful news.
How do I fix this? I feel like even though I am the living, I have unfinished business. I seen her the night before and she was good. She had plans. She had plans for me to bring her things, plans for the next day. For years I did that. Now I can't finish that task. I feel like I need to and I can't. She blew and caught kisses that night. She laughed, told us she loved us. She had no idea. I had no idea that would be the last time I would hear her voice, see her eyes filled with life, see her smile. I keep trying to grasp onto those last things I seen because I am so afraid of forgetting them. I feel like I try so hard that it is all becoming jumbled.
I wonder if when she put her call light on that morning was she scared, if she knew then what was happeneing, if she wondered where her family was, if she wanted to say goodbye, if she felt alone? The story of how she died, the whole scenario, keeps playing over and over like a rerun you don't want to watch but keep watching anyway.
She was a part of my everyday routine. I took care of her. I had a schedule. Now I don't even know how to go about my day. For one second I feel like I have some sort of peace and the next second my heart breaks more.
I beg for a sign that she is okay. A sign that she knew how much I loved her. For forgiveness of being selfish and complaining too much, I was definitely guilty of that at times and now I feel heartbroken. I know I had a right to feel the way I did in certain circumstances, but now those things seems so silly. If I only knew. And I didn't. None of us do.
Please hold your loved ones tight. Because so quickly, without a chance to even comprehend, so unexpected, even when we think we may be better or are doing better, it can all end just like that. Gone. The world is so different. No going back.
Love. Family. Friends. People. Hold it all tight. Because it is all so fragile.